Admission of Guilt – Yes, I do it.

Well, it’s time.  Time I admitted something.

I’ve been holding this back for a long time.  Sometimes, it’s just too hard to bear.  The weight of it on my conscience is killing me.

Here it is.

I read Hints from Heloise in the newspaper each day.

I can’t help it.  I’m addicted.  It’s like a train wreck that you just can’t turn away from.  Just who are these people that write in with hints that are so stupid, so friggin elementary? 

I’ve been composing a letter to her, I keep working on it here and there.  If you get the chance, you might help with it:

Dear Heloise:
I have had a problem the last few years and have finally found a solution.  When my garbage disposal would get clogged or when I dropped something into it that I didn’t mean to get ground up like hamburger, I often forgot to turn it off before sticking my hand in to retrieve the object.  As a result, my right hand is mangled and I’m missing all my fingers.  It didn’t happen all at once, the longest was the first to go, and after that, one by one, inch by inch, I’ve wound up with a nub on my right hand.
After I couldn’t grasp anything, I found myself sticking my other hand in while it was still running.  I’ve come up with a perfect solution.  I had tattooed on my right hand across the scars on the nub “Turn off disposer before reaching inside”.
It’ works like a charm!  When I use my nub to push the faucet open, I see it every time.  This has saved me from a lifetime of having to depend on someone else to scratch an itch!  I still have 3 fingers on the left hand and plan on keeping them now!

Swine Flu Threatens Deer Fever

I grew up in the North Central part of Arkansas.  A tiny little town named Floral.  Truly, not even a wide spot in the road.  The main thoroughfare (AR HWY 87) barely slows down when passing through, much less has a stop sign or stop light.

When you live in Floral, you have 3 options for employment.  1) You can farm 2) you can work in a (somewhat) nearby town, or 3) you can be retired.  That’s pretty much it.  Farming is difficult, at best, and probably is the least profitable of the three options.  I grew up on 40 acres where my family raised chickens, often cattle, sometimes pigs, and there was the occasional goat or horse.  The goats and horses were pretty much for entertainment, I can honestly say we never ate either.  We did slaughter a beef or pig for the freezer pretty often.

Due to the financial shortcomings of farming, both of my parents had jobs away from the house.  Mom worked for a large poultry processing plant and daddy worked in maintenance in a couple of different small businesses.

In the last few years, my family has been blessed with the inheritance of a much larger tract of land in Stone county.  Often referred to as “the Cabin”, it’s a place where the family has joint ownership and uses as a weekend getaway.  In the summer, on any given weekend, most of the family that lives in the area can be found riding four-wheelers, cutting hay, building fence, cooking out, eating, playing cards, or just taking a hike.

In the fall, the serious business begins.  Hunting.

I never really caught the hunting bug.  When I was younger, I rarely would take an old .22 single shot rifle and shoot at squirrels (notice the shoot “at,” I never was a great shot.)  I went rabbit hunting with daddy one time.  It was about 12 degrees outside, snow on the ground, and he had me walk behind him.  I think he took great pleasure in pulling tree branches as far as he could with him so that when he let them go, they’d swing back quickly and slap my frozen face with a sharp “snap.”  Damn that stung.  I learned pretty quickly to increase the distance that I followed.

The rest of my family has apparently been hit with a HUGE case of the hunting bug.  Namely Deer Fever.  I think it may be incurable.

During the summer, while they are escaping the everyday world up at the cabin, they also make extensive preparations for the upcoming deer season.  They erect deer stands that rival construction projects like Boston’s Big Dig and any given Trump Tower you can think of.  Food plots are put out, raising peas to attract deer to the area.  Corn feeders are carefully attended to also to attract deer.

The two biggest hunters seem to be the least likely two in my family.  My mom and my sister.  I can honestly say they are probably the only two women in Arkansas that can argue the appropriate camouflage pattern for the current season.  Realtree or Mossy Oak?  Ask one of them.

This weekend they all gathered at the cabin.  They were on a mission–there was a crisis at the cabin.  A Swine Flu outbreak.

Unbeknownst to me, there is a HUGE population of wild hogs taking over Arkansas.  There was actually an article in Sunday’s paper about it:  http://www2.arkansasonline.com/news/2009/sep/06/feral-hog-population-rise-ark/. 

Hogs were taking over the farm. 

My sister, the afore-metioned-hunter-extraordinare, also being a bit tech savvy, has had a camera on one of the deer feeders.  I believe it’s motion activated.  My guess it is there so they can get an idea of what size deer are roaming the hillsides and they can decide which gun to prepare or purchase for the upcoming season– will a .22 be needed since they’re small deer or an M-16 if they’re monster thirty point bucks.

Imagine their surprise when these pictures were viewed:

 

So, now, they’re on the hunt for a cure for the Swine Flu, so it won’t interfere with the much anticipated Deer Fever.

Looking at those nasty animals, I seriously doubt they’ll save any trophies to mount on the wall.

I hope they find a cure for it soon.  It’ll be a long winter if the annual Deer Fever outbreak doesn’t happen.

Advertising humor – slightly irreverent

I found this on another site www.goodasyou.org - it was hilarious!